I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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