I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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