Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
