Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
