I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
