Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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