quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
