You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
