the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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