I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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