all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
