I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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