I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
