Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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