imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
did i just pee glitter
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
