I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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