i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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