please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
