I think I won the penis lottery.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Randomize
