Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
