So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
