Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
