you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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