first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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