I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
