Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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