I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
