my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
