I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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