According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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