so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
