Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
