final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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