Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Everyone says I win the strip club
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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