i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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