My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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