It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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