I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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