I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
