I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just pynch a tree in the face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
