Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think my vagina is haunted
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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