Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
