The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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