you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
