there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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