Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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