This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
