Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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