i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
