My cat gives me a boner
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
