When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
