I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
